but then I found out I was still not... I was just Busy for the past few days.

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Whenever I have negative emotions, I always turn to friends or consult my teachers... But it came to a point that even my friends or my teachers (who are Phd in counseling) can hardly help me handle my irrational beliefs anymore...

Sometimes if you feel something, and that emotion is so strong, no matter what things other people would tell you, you will always find ways to rationalize that what they're saying are non-sense and you will always rationalize that YOU make sense.

I asked myself before, "I took seminar in counseling courses, but how come I cannot handle my emotions myself?" I should be able to understand and analyze my state of condition before making any irrational conclusions.

And it hit me,i realized talk therapy isnt' effective on me anymore.. Because whatever the counselor might say, I will always find ways to make it senseless because I'm hard headed. My beliefs will always have strong grounds.

Before, this was my usual situation when I go to bed: I don't fall asleep at once but I end up thinking about a lot of things that are most of the time disturbing or will make me feel bad.

Before, the internet makes me sane and occupied. But even with the computer I get bored and end up thinking irrational thoughts again. Even chatting with my friends no longer helps.

So there, I'm doomed with nobody can help. ... Until one day I remembered my dream of being a journalist someday... and as talkative as I love to write... I used to have journal diaries... and now I have a blog...

I started to make Writing as my therapy. ever since the year started, whenever I feel bad or can't sleep, I just open up my notebook and write everything that's on my mind. I talk to myself, I write my future plans, everything that's making my mind preoccupied I write.

Putting it all in paper. So that my minds all clear. And I can finally sleep well.

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Creative Therapy Works for me.

WRITING IS MY THERAPY.

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While I was having an emotional break down yesterday in school, I managed to write things that was crossing my mind at that moment.

• I CAN'T SEEM TO DO ANYTHING RIGHT
• ALWAYS REJECTED
• MY DEPRESSION IS TRIGGERED AGAIN AND I AM BEING HAUNTED BY THE PAST
• CURSED BECAUSE OF THINGS THAT HAPPENED BEFORE
• IS THIS KARMA?
• I WANT TO BE ACCEPTED
• I WANT APPROVAL
• RECOGNITION
• I CAN NO LONGER PERCIEVE THAT NEGATIVE EMOTIONS ARE BLESSINGS IN DISGUISE
• I HAVE FALLEN TOO MANY TIMES NOW.
• I HAVE LOST THE WILL. STRENGTH. ENTHUSIASM. ENCOURAGEMENT. TO LIFT MYSELF UP
• I HAVE LOST ALL MY PERSEVERANCE TO MANAGE MY SELF.
• I AM BEING TORN BETWEEN MAINTAINING MY STANDARDS TO JUST LETTING THINGS TO CHANCE.
• IT WAS BETTER TO HAVE NOT LOVE THAN TO LIVE YOUR LIFE WITH AN ENVIRONMENT CONNECTED TO THE PAST.
• NO MATTER HOW HARD YOU TRY TO AVOID THE PAST. NO MATTER HOW HARD YOU TRY NOT TO CONNECT IT.
• IT'S EMBEDDED. IT'S CARVED..

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AND EVEN THOUGH YOU THINK YOU'RE OKAY... EVEN THOUGH YOU THINK THAT YOU'RE FINALLY DOING WHAT'S RIGHT... EVEN THOUGH YOU THINK THAT YOUR FINALLY HAPPY...

FATE WILL ALWAYS MAKE YOU REMEMBER. SOMETHING... SOMEONE... WILL ALWAYS REMIND YOU OF THE ONE THING YOU'VE BEEN TRYING TO AVOID ALL THESE TIME.

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**** how i wish that these thoughts would remain in paper and never come back in my mind again.

** PS: my emotional breakdown is not about my love life. but in all the aspects of my current state of condition.  ** please don't misintepret. i'm not hopeless romantic. i can still manage.

toni, my love. i witnessed this particular breakdown. :( nagpapatawa na lang ako to atleast make you smile.tama na breakdown! we cant afford that na. love you toni!

before i thought i could explain your situation, well i can say you're simply neurotic. but when i read this entry, i realized that no one could have precisely describe your condition but you yourself. now, i know why you are in EPSY. i hope this does not stop here. i hope this could be a way to improve yourself. at least now i know, that you realize how much all of us go through when you breakdown. and at least now i can ignore you when you do that, coz both of us know that you're never going to listen. hahahaha. just kidding, i have fun arguing with u, but not always please. but i enjoy more when we realize and agree on things together. nice one buddy. ; )

btw, i think writing is also a threapy for me.

hahaha so serious aye? - i realized that no one could have precisely describe your condition but you yourself. now, i know why you are in EPSY. - for that moment i thought I was in the Department talking to our faculty members.. hahaha..

wait... what do you mean by "i know why you are in Epsy"


... to jan: Shopping nalang! hehe...

btw (too). hehe. what were you supposed to say when you said you're going to explain my situation? hehe ... (english nakanang. haha)

Toni, after reading your post, three things jumped out at me, and I hope you won't mind me sharing my perspectives.

The first thing that jumped out at me was that you have a lot of (unrecognized, perhaps?) negative conditioning that you're trying to deal with. The second thing to jump out at me was that this conditioning is telling you that you don't deserve to be happy. I suggest this, because of the points you made about wanting approval and acceptance, to name two. The third thing that jumped out at me was that you're trying to make positive changes in your life, and that you're not able to see that the negative forces in the universe are challenging you by throwing obstacles in your path in the form of feeling like you're not worthy.

I've been moving around in this life long enough to have learned that whenever I challenge the negative conditioning of my past, there is going to be a fight. All kinds of obstacles show up when I decide to make changes, and it's never easy to overcome them. But, you know what? Nothing worth fighting for is ever achieved easily, my friend; it's just a matter of how determined we are to achieve what we most want.

Writing is very cathartic, I agree; I've used it as my outlet for most of my life, and many times, writing out how I've felt has actually saved my life. So, please keep writing. The fact that you have recognized some obstacles to your healing shows that you're a very brave young woman, and that's a very good thing. Just keep on keepin' on, sweetie, and things will get better.

I hope you have a better today, Toni. You deserve to be happy.

aw thanks holly, you made me teary eyed ...

sometimes i just get tired. and not avoid to think that things would have not been this way if i avoided some "event" in my life in the past.

Toni, I hear what you're saying, and I used to feel the same way. As the years have passed, I've come to realize that all those past events have helped mold me into the person I am today; they have taught me so much about myself that I didn't know - yes, even the painful and unpleasant experiences have served a positive purpose. If you can try to shift your perspective just a little, and search for the positive lessons contained in those past experiences, you, too, will begin to see how those events have enriched your life. For example, had I not experienced violence and violation in my life, I would not have learned empathy for those who have gone through that; had I not experienced great loss in my life, I would not have learned appreciation for what I have. You see what I mean, my friend?

If you had avoided certain things in your past, what life lesson would you have missed? If you had avoided certain past events, would you be the determined person you are today? Would you have reached for your dream in spite of the challenges it presents?

All things happen for a reason, my young friend, and the events in your life have happened so that you can become who you are today and who you are meant to be in the future. Those events have made you strong and determined and courageous, Toni - can you see what I mean?

Also, the universe knew you were tough enough to handle those obstacles; you would not have received them if you weren't able to face and overcome them. The universe never presents us with challenges and obstacles that are too great for us to overcome, my friend; it loves us, and love does not ever give us more than we can handle.

Tuesday, January 29th 2008 @ 10:19 PM