One of the best things I've gained in this independent single college life is gradually learning to control my emotions and not making regretful actions out of those emotions.

Probably because I got fed up of feeling angry... shame... regret... frustration... depression... and sadness.. that I don't want to react much anymore. is that even possible? getting tired of emotions? I'm definitely so tired of feeling regret. so tired of being depressed. It's like I'm just letting time pass by. and get through the day alive.

But there's one feeling I just cannot manage to control... FEAR.

When I'm pissed I end up analyzing the situation why I'm feeling so, when things don't come up as I planned, most of the time IUSED to panic... but now I have overcome that weakness.. because it has been replaced by an even stronger emotion. FEAR.

Why am I suddenly feeling this way? what do I fear exactly. It's something irrational actually, I fear of making mistakes. I fear disappointing what people expect of me. Probably because I grew up in a behaviorist point of view wherein mistakes=punishment=stupidity. Although there's this popular cliche "Learn from your mistakes", oh I do... but sometimes you also have to feel that not everything you do is a mistake. I have to feel that at least at some point. I'm doing something RIGHT.

Where fear is my weakness. It's a good thing that I have strength when it comes to determination. I am determined to do my best. do what's right. do better every time.

What triggered my feeling right now, is again my infamous problem: thesis.

I always feel that we're not doing good enough. not good enough. not goddamn good enough. and i dunno, probably never will. Ever since thesis1 (but I got over it, and took it as a challenge instead). Thesis2, we had to start a NEW thesis again. but as in my previous thesis blog posts. Change is good. It's a challenge.

and we actually made through it! We finished our qualitative phase in less than 2 weeks. total of 100 participants from both private and public universities. (including content analysis)

We finished gathering and encoding our quantitative phase in less than 2 weeks also with a total of FIVE HUNDRED PARTICIPANTS from private and public universities. (120 items per questionnaire, proposed number of N=400).

great right?

but why am I so bothered? when on the other hand we should be praising ourselves. I shouldn't find myself complaining because my classmates are in even a less fortunate scenario than I am.. some have started data gathering since second week of January but barely have 200 participants. some are just starting gathering data now. some haven't even started yet.

Fear is eating me up. Fear that after a series of rejection, and a series of efforts put to waste. I fear that we will end up rejected again. I fear that our 500 gathered data could've some loop hole.

Crazy shit right...

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Today is Thursday again, and as our weekly tradition goes.. we meet up and consult with our mentor. Dr. Ma. Alicia Bustos-Orosa. I'm happy with this set-up because even though she's only available once a week, I'm happy because that once-a-week-consultation we always have an update... report.. and most especially NEW accomplished work. That once a week consultation have resulted to "looking forward" to Thursdays.

After encoding, our next step is the Factor Analysis which I was thinking we are still yet to learn how to compute for it. I was anticipating that we are expected to know how to do it. But (fortunate enough i think), Miss Orosa said "Talk to Dr. John, you may just e-mail him your data and he will return the results back to you". I'm like, deep inside.. weh.. really? through email??? we're not even going to watch how he does it or something?????...

I'm supposed to feel so lucky, that I dunno... this is actually a "favor" from Sir Addy. but I got so so so so so afraid. fearful. and intimidated. He might find some mistake. or whatever. or i just can't help but feel jittery. I feel like crying. hehe. I fear that our gathered 500 participants in a span of 2 weeks will be null-and-void. or something. I KNOW I KNOW IRRATIONAL THOUGHTS. (i took some counseling courses right)... but I can't avoid fear in me. I'm always feeling that we're not good enough. It's like feeling that no matter how hard you try, how much effort you give... the labor and time you sacrifice. what i do will just be not good enough.

Now I'm confused on what are the standards for being "good enough".

There's so much self-doubt in me. I trust myself but doubt myself at the same time. I trust that I can go through the obstacles alive, but doubt if I can pass through societal standards.


I'm learning the hard way because I keep hearing things I don't want to hear.

I know this is a good thing. I'm taking it as a pencil going through blades of a sharpener but at the end will become a nice sharpened pencil.

My best friend Kash texted me and said. "They're just saying that so that you will think that it is difficult". Difficulty=Challenge.

I supposed so because it makes me work harder and better the next time. Hoping that in the end I will feel the maximum best-satisfaction of the fruits of our labor.

At times, when my competency gets questioned.. I lose the determination... my low "self-efficacy" (your perceived ability to do something) makes me not work at all. But not so long... at some point I get the strength to continue again. Because I fear the consequences of not doing it.

I told my good ol' brother-from-another-mother, Carlo Alcid (highschool friend and ex-blockmate) that I'm just feeling eager to graduate now because of what I'm starting to feel. But as usual, even though he's living a bum life for now... he makes good sense most of the time. "Its even scarier when your working". He told me that for about 2 weeks he substituted for his mom in work. Then it made me think.. yeah I supposed he's right... I'm going to meet even scarier and more intimidating people out there. and I have to thank my professors now for making me feel that my work is not good enough. [tears]

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Thank you for making me feel average. For making me feel mediocre.
and most of all, for making me feel that my efforts, no matter how best i try, will always not be good enough.

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Nevertheless for making me feel bad about myself... I'm still a big fan of the best department in the university. CEPD like no other.
EPSY LOVE ALWAYS AND FOREVER.

 

Hi Toni. You asked me for my opinion, so here it is:

You've asked yourself what you fear, and the answer you've arrived at is that you fear being rejected. Okay, so ask yourself these questions:

1. Have you put your best effort into the work you've done so far?

2. Are you continuing to give your very best?

3. Why do you think your work will be rejected?

4. Is this fear based in reality - in other words, do you have an honest reason for being afraid? - or is negative conditioning coming into play?

It's okay to be afraid, Toni. Everyone feels afraid, sometimes, especially when we're striving to achieve something we really want. The trick is to figure out whether the fear is logical, or if it's based on false beliefs. Does that make sense for you?

Another perspective is that if you were going to fail, do you think your instructors would have allowed you take these classes anyway? Remember that no one can make you feel anything, sweetie; you are the only person who can decide what and how you're going to feel. You know?

There's not enough room in these comment boxes for an indepth discussion, but I'd be more than happy to address this at my space. Next time I post, I'll do that, and perhaps we can engage better that way.

You're doing great, my friend; keep questioning, and keep pushing through those barriers!

Thursday, February 21st 2008 @ 10:51 PM